Christmas Faith

So today when I was driving home from work one of my all time favorite Christmas songs/hymns was playing, O Holy Night.  The main reason I love this song is because of how it was used in the Christmas Eve mass at the church I went to in high school.  The whole Christmas Eve mass was done in lower lighting with lots of candles.  Then, after Communion, one of the lead soloists would walk down the center aisle dressed as Mary, holding a baby, and singing O Holy Night.  When she got to “fall on your knees” she would turn around and they would put a light on her and she would sing the rest of the song at the front of the church and the choir would chime in during the second verse.  It was always moving and beautiful.  It really made you remember what Christmas is all about. 

Well as I sat there driving home hearing this song I started thinking about hearing that song at church and imagining myself walking in her shoes and the faith that Mary must have had and my own faith.  Luckily I had just pulled into the Kroger parking lot so I was able to safely sit in my car crying for a few minutes. 

I struggle daily to have faith in God’s plan.  It has not been easy grieving for the loss of one child while celebrating another one on the way...especially during the Christmas season.  The day after we found out that we are having another girl I sat in the baby’s room holding a picture of Emily, holding her stuffed lamb and crying and rocking in the rocking chair.  I cried because I missed Emily and ache to hold her in my arms.  I cried because I was excited about our next child.  I cried because I felt guilty for crying.  I cried until I fell asleep.  Then I was okay. 

The night before our 20 week appointment I broke down sobbing uncontrollably.  I had started reliving what happened with Emily and became fearful of that happening with this baby.  I was worried I would have to have two urns, I was worried I was never going to have a daughter, I was worried that once again all my friends that are pregnant were going to have their children and we would still be left without any children.  Like I said, I struggle daily to have faith in God’s plan. 

Today as I sat in my car crying (man I sound like I cry a lot!  I really don’t...I’m actually quite excited and happy most of the time but anyway) I started thinking about the faith that Mary must have had and my own faith.  She was told by an angel that she was pregnant with the son of God.  That’s a lot of pressure.  I mean can you imagine the guilt she must have felt when she gave into pregnancy cravings?  Mary had to have faith that God would take care of her and her baby and that the world would believe her and not think that she was cheating on Joseph.  For my own faith I have to believe that God took Emily home for a good reason and that I may never know what that reason is.  I also have to have faith that this child will be okay.  She will be a strong, healthy, happy child.

I’m going to try to remember this Christmas season that I am not the first pregnant woman who has had to put her faith in God.  I and all pregnant women have had to waddle in faith with God.  We all have had our fears of pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. 

As I type this baby girl is moving around fluttering in my tummy J  Every time I feel her move it reminds me of how amazing God’s gifts are.  It reminds me to have faith in him. 

Love,

Megan