Fearless Faith

As usual it has been months since I have posted an update.  I just haven't gotten around to organizing photos to post.  We have been doing really well.  We have traveled a ton this summer to see family, celebrate weddings, and just have fun.  We have a really fun September to look forward to as well.  It will be super busy with preschool starting and THREE more weddings!  Then in January we are going to Disney World!  I think Phil and I are just as excited as Caroline.  We can't wait to see her experience Disney.

Okay so after that quick update here is the meat of the post.  Now for those of you have been following our journey for the past couple of years you are used to me being honest and sharing some personal info.  Once again I have some personal info to share and want to preface this post with warning you of that.  For those of you who have never read this blog then I recommend going back to April 2011.  That is where this journey really began and is important for you to understand our journey to understand where we are now.



Since losing Emily I have been really honest on here about our journey to start and now continue our family.  Well our journey is continuing and in ways we never expected.  We have been trying to give Caroline a sibling since June 2013.  I had another miscarriage in February 2014.  We handled the miscarriage fine but with obvious disappointment.  I wasn't very far along and as horrible as this sounds at least it was early.  At least it wasn't another Emily (I was 29 weeks along when we lost her).  Please don't let that comment make a miscarriage seem like no big deal because it is a big deal.  It is the loss of a child.  But having lived through two miscarriages and one stillbirth...the latter is worse.  Much much worse.  Well as we hit the one year mark of trying Phil and I were extremely frustrated.  So much so that we decided it was time to go see a fertility doctor to make sure there were no problems.  We found out some pretty interesting information.

Over the course of this summer I have had ultrasounds, blood draws, surgery, and an MRI.  At first my doctor thought that I had intrauterine adhesions which is scar tissue in my uterus as a result of my c-section from delivering Caroline.  So we scheduled surgery for the end of July to have the scar tissue removed.  Basically we thought scar tissue was keeping half of my uterus stuck together.  Kinda like it was half glued down.  That would explain why I wasn't getting pregnant!  This was NOT what my doctor found when I went in for surgery.  Instead he found that I was born with half a uterus.  Yes you read that right.  Half a uterus.  Its technical word is a unicorniate uterus with a non functioning rudimentary uterine horn.  I can't type or say that without laughing.  I have a unicorn uterus complete with a horn! Seriously you can't make this  up.  Or as one of my dear friends said, "So basically you are telling me you have an evil twin uterus."  Yes.  Yes indeed.

What is a unicorniate uterus (hehe)?  Early in fetal development the uterus is in two halves which come together and the middle goes away making one large uterus.  Half of my uterus developed and the other half did not.  In addition to this I have one ovary and fallopian tube connected to my functioning uterus and one ovary and one fallopian tube connected to the non functioning/never developed/evil twin uterus.  I actually got to see pictures of it at my post op appointment.  It was so fascinating to see inside my body!   We knew before surgery that there was a chance of this but because I had carried Caroline to term he didn't think that was what was going on.

The big question is what does this mean for us and our hopes for continuing our family.  Our doctor has every confidence that we will be able to have more kids.  Why does he think this?  There are two parts.  One, I carried Caroline to term.  The biggest risk with women with my condition is preterm labor.  There is limited space which can mean the baby wants out early.  I did not have this with Caroline.  I was actually full term (2 hrs from being 38 weeks).  Two, my uterus is actually pretty big for only being half a uterus.  For women with my condition in its classical presentation there are two distinct uterus with a fallopian tube and an ovary connected to each one.  My uterus crosses mid line!  It's huge for only being half of a uterus.  Why is it so big?  It could just have developed that way and/or Emily and Caroline stretched it out.  While my doctor said this is only a theory he thinks that part of the reason we have Caroline here is because Emily stretched my uterus first.  This stretching made it so I could carry Caroline full term.  One daughter made it so the other could be here.  It makes Caroline even more of a miracle.  It also means that any future kids we have will be here because Emily and Caroline paved the way.  There is something so beautiful about that.

Answers to questions you may have...
1.  The biggest difficulty with getting pregnant with this condition is only one ovary is connected to the functioning uterus.  Most women alternate month to month which ovary they ovulate from.  So that would mean I only ovulate every other month in my functioning uterus.  The other months I ovulate into my non-functioning/evil twin uterus but there is no way for the egg to get fertilized or attach to anything so it just gets reabsorbed by my body.  So home ovulation tests would show when I'm ovulating but we will have no idea which ovary is ovulating.  Only an ultrasound would be able to show that.  Now the biggest question that people are embarrassed to ask but are confused and curious about I will just be blunt about...yes I get my period every month.  My working uterus is ready for an egg it just doesn't know there is no connection between it and the other ovary.
2.  Another difficulty that some women have is a weak cervix when they are pregnant.  I did not have this with Caroline or Emily.
3.  They have no idea why but most women with my condition have lots of miscarriages.  So while my doctor is confident we can have another child, we may lose more along the way.
4.  They do no think we are at an increased risk of stillbirth.  While it is still a risk and higher for us it is not something that is super high with this condition.
5.  My mom did not do anything to cause this.  It is just something that happens.  It is considered a congenital defect because I was born with it.  Kinda like how Caroline was born with a congenital heart defect.
6.  This did NOT cause Caroline's heart defect.  Future children are not at an increased risk for birth defects due to my unicorniate uterus.
7.  There is no hereditary factor with this condition.
8.  There is nothing that doctors can do to stretch my uterus.
9.  There is no clear evidence that this is why we lost Emily.  I don't think we will ever know the answer to that question and I'm okay with that.  Its taken awhile to get to that place but I'm at peace with never knowing.
10.  Our options to continue our family are continue to try, adopt, surrogacy.  We are planning on continuing to try.  Heck I've gotten pregnant 4 times off of 1 ovary over the past 4 years.  The odds are in our favor that it can and will happen again :)


Crazy right?  Who knew this was possible?!  Personally I'm fascinated by the science of it all.  Emotionally it took us a good two weeks to process.  We asked friends and family to pray for us.  We asked them to pray for guidance, peace, and hope.  I truly feel at peace with our situation.  It is what it is and there isn't anything we can do to change it.  The sooner we come to terms with that the sooner we can move forward.  There is no point in complaining about what we can not change.  It doesn't make the situation any better.  It just taints it with negativity.  No need for that.  I have also felt guidance and immense hope.  Like crazy amounts of hope.  I know it is God giving me peace and hope for the future.  Going into my post op I felt hopeful but during the appointment when we saw how large my uterus actually is and how positive my doctor is I was literally jumping up and down with excitement.  I was overwhelmed with a feeling like "Yes! You WILL get pregnant again and have another child."  To me that is God speaking.  Well actually I felt like he lifted my heart, high fived me, and he was doing some fist pumps.  Even though I no longer feel the need to high five people with excitement my faith is still there.  Faith beyond understanding and the only explanation for that is God at work in our hearts.  While neither Phil nor I can imagine losing another child we have to have faith that it will all be alright.  I'm clinging to that faith, that feeling of peace and hope.  I'm trying to move forward in our journey with fearless faith.  No fear of loss.  No fear of the future.  Just faith in the journey we are on.  To us we feel the same moving forward as we did when we tried for Caroline.  We know the risks but we believe that we will have another child.  We have our miracle Caroline here and one day we will welcome another miracle.

On that note I will end this post with a few photos of our little miracle from the first day of preschool this year. Eventually I will catch up on photo posts too.  One day...

-Megan