Lessons of the Heart

Zach already loves baby girl!

I highly recommend that if you do not know the basic anatomy of the heart that you read the information I provide towards the bottom of this post.  It will help you better understand what you are about to read.

  

Two weeks ago at our 20 week ultrasound Phil and I found out from our Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) that she thought baby Noakes might have a small hole in her heart.  She had us wait two weeks to see how the heart developed and then she did another ultrasound at 22 weeks (this past Monday) and confirmed that she still saw a small hole.  On Tuesday we saw a Pediatric Cardiologist.  He also confirmed the hole in the heart and diagnosed it as an endocardial cushion defect.  It is an overarching term with a bunch of different subcategories under it.  He didn’t want to place her into one category because he said that he doesn’t want us to focus on the diagnosis.  He said that just because something is diagnosed as something doesn’t mean that is the prognosis.  What baby girl does have is a small hole in her septum.  It starts in the bottom part of the atriums and extends a tiny bit into the top part of the ventricles.  Because at this stage in development her heart is only about the size of a thumbnail the cardiologist couldn’t tell us what type of defects there are with the valves.  What he could tell us was that he is seeing a tiny bit of leakage back into the atrium.  

What does this mean? 

• It means our daughter has a congenital heart defect. 

Will surgery be necessary to repair the defect?

• Yes surgery is necessary.  Sometime in the first year she will have to have open heart surgery to repair her heart.

Thank you Terrell for this outfit!
It made me laugh outloud.
You know me so well :)

When will her surgery be?

• She will determine when her surgery will be.  While all babies are in utero the mother does most of the work for their heart.  After they are born their body takes over the workload.  If she has trouble breathing, sustaining weight gain, or has abnormal pressures in her heart then those are signs that it is time for the surgery.  

Why doesn’t she have surgery right away?

• While they can do surgery right away they prefer not to because they would like the heart to develop more.  They have found that they usually have better long term prognosis if they wait.

What is the prognosis?

• The cardiologist said that prognosis will be determined by the success of the surgery.  So basically we won’t know the long term effects until after the surgery.  After the surgery he will be able to give us a better idea of whether she will have to have more surgeries in the future and if there are any other long term after effects.

What is the survival rate for the surgery?

• He said that there is about the same mortality rate for this surgery as there is for an appendectomy.  However, if there are any complications or infections (like with any surgery) then there can be an increased chance of side effects.  

Where will the surgery take place?

• She will have surgery at UVA

Will I be able to deliver her normally?

• Yes. 

Does this mean she has some other type of disability?

• No.  However if you know much about disabilities you may know that this type of heart defect is often associated with Down syndrome.  This does NOT mean that she has Down syndrome.  We actually did a bunch of screenings earlier in the pregnancy and they all came back with very low probability.  There still is a very small chance the she could have down syndrome (1 in 2 thousand some chance) that could be confirmed with an amniocentesis. We do not want an amniocentesis.  We are fine knowing that there is a very small chance and finding out for sure at birth.  

This is what we know right now.  Every day we are coming up with more questions.  We will know more after we meet with the surgeon, after baby Noakes is born, and after she has surgery. 

How are we doing?

It has been a tough week.  It has been a lot to process.  We are still processing.  We are starting to get used to this whole idea of having faith in God in the face of all our challenges.

The main things I think about are moments.  The moment I get to hold my daughter is my number one moment.  Actually my first question for my doctor was will I be able to hold my daughter after I deliver her?  She said yes.  I wasn’t sure what she would say because I didn’t know whether she would have to be whisked away to surgery or NICU right after I delivered her.  That should not be the case.  Holding my living, breathing daughter for the first time is something I can’t wait for.  I ache for it. 

It is amazing how so many of the fears that I had projected onto this pregnancy, because of our experience with Emily, have dissipated. All pregnancy long I have been very focused on getting past 29 weeks (when we lost Emily).  Now I KNOW that we will.  I KNOW that I will deliver this baby.  I KNOW that I will hold my living child in my arms.  

The moments that I try not to think about are things like possibly having to explain to her that she has a boo boo on her heart that needs to be fixed or later on that she had a boo boo on her heart that was fixed and that is why she has a mark on her chest. I dread the moment I have to walk away from her or see her taken away from me to go into surgery.  That is all too close to our final moment with Emily.  I fear the moment the doctor comes out of surgery to tell us what happened.  Will I have to hear that I’ve lost another child?  I just don’t know if I can handle that.  Tears will be streaming either way. 

I fear missing a sign that something is wrong either before or after the surgery and not getting her to the doctor in time.  I am worried about long term neurological effects of the surgery if something goes wrong.  I have a lot of fears. 

When we first found out a few weeks ago I was angry.  I felt like we deserved to have an easy pregnancy.  After all we’ve already been through now we have this that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives?! That she will have to deal with her whole life!  It didn’t seem fair.  Now somehow I have peace with it.  Don’t get me wrong, it stinks.  It stinks really bad.  But I have peace.  Anger will get me nowhere.  Anger won’t make her heart better.  Anger won’t make this easier.  So instead I choose to inform myself with what we will be facing and to be positive about the future.  Most of all I choose to have faith in the future and in God’s plan.  

I want to celebrate this baby.  Yes she may have a heart defect.  That doesn’t make her any less in my eyes.  She is our child.  She is wonderful.  She is perfect.

Please join Phil and me in being positive and excited about our child.  The last thing we need is pity for everything we have gone through and will go through.  We would prefer to surround ourselves with love, faith, hope, and strength.  

We are excited about our daughter and can’t wait to meet her in a few short months!

BASIC ANATOMY OF THE HEART

How the Heart Works

Do you know basic heart anatomy?  Well neither did we until this past week.  Here is a very basic explanation in my words of how the heart works. I think I got everything right but there is a good chance I didn't explain something correctly.  

The heart is divided into 4 chambers.  The chambers are divided vertically by a muscular wall called the septum.  It is divided horizontally by valves. 

Here is how blood flows through the heart:

Unoxygenated blood flows from the BodyàRight AtriumàRight VentricleàPulmonary ArteryàLungs which makes the blood oxygenatedàLeft AtriumàLeft VentricleàAortaàoxygenated blood flows into the body

There are various valves within the heart the only ones you need to know about are the tricuspid valve and the mitral valve.  The tricuspid valve is between the right atrium and right ventricle.  The mitral valve is between the left atrium and the left ventricle.  

To learn more about the heart try reading these websites:

Cincinnati Children's Hospital

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

Web Book about the heart and defects

Endocardial Cushion Defect

 An endocardial cushion defect is a congenital heart defect. It is sometimes called an Atrioventricular canal defect or an AV canal defect.  When a heart has an endocardial cushion defect it means that some portion of the septum is missing.  That means that part of the wall that divides the left and right side of the heart is missing.  With this type of defect there is also some affect on the tricuspid valve and the mitral valve.  Sometimes there is a small notch or bend in the valve that makes it so some of the blood that is supposed to flow from the atrium into the ventricle squirts back into the atrium instead of staying in the ventricle.  This is because the valve can’t completely close because of the bend.  The extent of how much of the septum is missing and the affect on the valves differs case by case.  

To learn more about endocardial cushion defects try reading these websites:

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia 

Cincinnati Children's Hospital --- great flash explanation

University of Maryland Medical Center

Video explanation of endocardial heart defect

Children's Hospital of Boston

Love,

Megan

Christmas Faith

So today when I was driving home from work one of my all time favorite Christmas songs/hymns was playing, O Holy Night.  The main reason I love this song is because of how it was used in the Christmas Eve mass at the church I went to in high school.  The whole Christmas Eve mass was done in lower lighting with lots of candles.  Then, after Communion, one of the lead soloists would walk down the center aisle dressed as Mary, holding a baby, and singing O Holy Night.  When she got to “fall on your knees” she would turn around and they would put a light on her and she would sing the rest of the song at the front of the church and the choir would chime in during the second verse.  It was always moving and beautiful.  It really made you remember what Christmas is all about. 

Well as I sat there driving home hearing this song I started thinking about hearing that song at church and imagining myself walking in her shoes and the faith that Mary must have had and my own faith.  Luckily I had just pulled into the Kroger parking lot so I was able to safely sit in my car crying for a few minutes. 

I struggle daily to have faith in God’s plan.  It has not been easy grieving for the loss of one child while celebrating another one on the way...especially during the Christmas season.  The day after we found out that we are having another girl I sat in the baby’s room holding a picture of Emily, holding her stuffed lamb and crying and rocking in the rocking chair.  I cried because I missed Emily and ache to hold her in my arms.  I cried because I was excited about our next child.  I cried because I felt guilty for crying.  I cried until I fell asleep.  Then I was okay. 

The night before our 20 week appointment I broke down sobbing uncontrollably.  I had started reliving what happened with Emily and became fearful of that happening with this baby.  I was worried I would have to have two urns, I was worried I was never going to have a daughter, I was worried that once again all my friends that are pregnant were going to have their children and we would still be left without any children.  Like I said, I struggle daily to have faith in God’s plan. 

Today as I sat in my car crying (man I sound like I cry a lot!  I really don’t...I’m actually quite excited and happy most of the time but anyway) I started thinking about the faith that Mary must have had and my own faith.  She was told by an angel that she was pregnant with the son of God.  That’s a lot of pressure.  I mean can you imagine the guilt she must have felt when she gave into pregnancy cravings?  Mary had to have faith that God would take care of her and her baby and that the world would believe her and not think that she was cheating on Joseph.  For my own faith I have to believe that God took Emily home for a good reason and that I may never know what that reason is.  I also have to have faith that this child will be okay.  She will be a strong, healthy, happy child.

I’m going to try to remember this Christmas season that I am not the first pregnant woman who has had to put her faith in God.  I and all pregnant women have had to waddle in faith with God.  We all have had our fears of pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. 

As I type this baby girl is moving around fluttering in my tummy J  Every time I feel her move it reminds me of how amazing God’s gifts are.  It reminds me to have faith in him. 

Love,

Megan

It's a...

So between our 16 week and 20 week appointments we’ve had two ultrasound technicians and my maternal fetal specialist confirm and reconfirm that the baby is a GIRL!  You may have also been able to tell this if you follow my pinterest page ;)

Philip and I are soooo excited.  Just like with Emily, finding out the gender of the baby made this pregnancy much more real.  When we found out at 16 weeks it was probably the most at ease that I’ve been all pregnancy.  I’ve finally been able to relax and be excited.  I think it is what spurred me to go into the crazy organization mode over the past few weeks. 

In addition to the excitement it has also been quite emotional finding out that it was another girl.  It took us a day or two to process that we were having another girl.  Just wrap our heads around it you know?  It’s times like this that it is particularly difficult to be rejoicing in our child while still grieving for the loss of Emily.  It’s a weird position to be in. 

One of the things I’ve done to mentally distinguish between the two pregnancies (I’ve been pregnant for over a year now!) is make a pregnancy scrapbook.  I’ve included below what I wrote for the scrapbook about finding out the gender of the baby and how we told the grandparents. Also, check out photos of the scrapbook at the bottom!

Mommy and Daddy were lucky enough to find out early that you were going to be a girl.  We were so excited when we found out!  We went out and bought your first outfit, a sleepy outfit with pink and white stripes and elephants on it.  We were able to tell all your Grandparents together later that week because all six of us went to the Wake Forest/Notre Dame football game.  Mommy walked downstairs in a black shirt with a pink ribbon around her belly.  Everyone was surprised and soooo excited.  Your GMa was especially surprised that we had already found out your gender.  She was at a loss for words.  Your Grandma Karrenbauer on the other hand knew that we had found out and had been trying to trick it out of Mommy all week but Mommy kept it a secret until she could tell her in person.  It was so special to Mommy and Daddy to tell all your grandparents together and in person that you were a baby girl.

After we told the grandparents we called all the aunts, uncles, and great-grandparents the exciting news. 

Another thing I’ve done this pregnancy is decorate my tummy for different holidays.  For Halloween she was a jack-o-lantern, for Thanksgiving she was a turkey, and for Christmas she will be a…hmm you will just have to wait and see. Check out photos of her outfits below!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!  I will post again soon.  

Love,

Megan

This is how we told the grandparents the baby's gender :)

(I'm almost 17 weeks here)

Our Little Turkey!

(I'm 19 1/2 weeks here)

    

Scrapbook thus far...

Sprucing up the Nest

This Mama is in major nesting mode.  Since I blogged last we've:

• Cleaned and reorganized the garage
• Cleaned and reorganized every closet in the house
• Cleaned and reorganized all the bathroom vanities
• Cleaned and reorganized all the kitchen cabinets
• Reorganized all our dressers
• Reorganized attic
• Made a pregnancy scrapbook
• Organized a memory box full of pictures into albums

Phew, I’m tired!  We are getting a new fridge tomorrow and I can’t wait to organize it too!  This is rather sad I know but it feels great to purge and organize.  Phil has been very supportive of my nesting.  He has helped me out with most of it and even put up with me making him go through every one of his shirts and decide which ones to give away and which ones to keep.  In my defense, a few of his shirts in the closet were over 10 years old. 

In other baby news we found out the gender a few weeks ago!  As I explained in my previous post I’m considered a “high risk” pregnant lady which means we have monthly ultrasounds to make sure everything is developing correctly.  Good to see the baby, bad that I worry each time I go in that something may be wrong.  I just lay there waiting to see the heartbeat and to find out if the placenta looks healthy.  Then a few tears of relief escape when they say everything is looking good.  Anyway, because we have these monthly ultrasounds we found out the gender 4 weeks early.  We’ve been telling friends when we see them but I’m not ready to put it out in blog/facebook land until we’ve had it confirmed at our next appointment in a week.  So look out for a baby gender post next week!

Overall I’m feeling fabulous.  All my previous symptoms are gone.  I can’t believe that I'm 19 weeks which means that I will be half way done next week!  

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and look for a gender post soon J

Love,

Megan

Our lovely Halloween pumpkins.

The baby dressed up as a pumpkin for his/her 1st Halloween!  I will be doing this for every holiday between now and when the baby is born.  I'm 16 weeks in this picture.

Zach the hot dog did a great job handing out candy for Halloween.

18 weeks---Phil took me out on a fancy date so I squeezed into a non maternity dress.  

Long time no blogging

Well hello again!  It has been quite awhile since I last blogged.  I haven’t really been sure what to blog about.  Phil and I were very busy all summer.  All our friends and family helped to make sure we had plans just about every weekend J  We truly feel blessed to have such an amazing support system around us.  It is about 6 ½ months since I delivered Emily.  A day doesn't go by that we don’t think about her yet each day it gets easier.  We've also had some exciting things to help distract us.  Like going to Italy for 10 days and finding out that I’m pregnant again!  

I'M PREGNANT!

We found out I was pregnant on August 4.  I was home alone when I found out.  I didn't believe it at first.  I just walked around the house crying with disbelief that I could get pregnant again so quickly.  I thanked God a lot and prayed for a healthy pregnancy.  I also talked to Emily.  I told her how much I loved her and how excited I was to be pregnant again (Part of me felt guilty for feeling so excited so I felt the need to explain it to her...yes that is crazy sounding but I don't care).  

With the two other pregnancies I would wake Philip up saying "I'm pregnant!" so it took him a few minutes to figure out what I was saying.  This time I told him when he got home from work.  I told him I was having a tough day so I wrote a letter to our future baby.  I ended the letter saying, "Today August 4, 2011, God answered our prayers with you."  He just looked at me and smiled and hugged me.  It was scary and amazing all at one time.  

48 hours later we were heading to the beach with Phil's family.  We ended up telling ALL his family then.  Part of the reason was because his aunt looked at me when we were alone and asked, "Are you pregnant?"  I said, "Why do you ask?" "Because I had a dream 3 weeks ago that you are and you were wearing a black dress when you told me."  I was wearing a black dress that day.  Well after that the cat was out of the bag and we told everyone.  It was great to share our joy with all of them.  Then later that week I was able to share it with my family when I went to visit my parents. 

ITALY

Italy was a lot of fun but has a slight first trimester yuckiness haze over the trip.  If you would like to see photos of the trip, click on the link below.  I captioned most of the photos on the site.   We went to Rome for 4 days and the Cinque Terre for 3 days.  Rome was a go go go atmosphere because there is SO much to see and do.  The Cinque Terre was very relaxing exploring the five small fishing villages there.   

http://noakesnest.shutterfly.com/

LIFE AFTER ITALY

We came back from Italy refreshed and ready to tackle another pregnancy.  We are really excited about this baby.  We’ve had 4 ultrasounds already and I’m only 15 weeks along!  Needless to say I am well monitored.  I’m also well medicated.  I’m on extra vitamins, baby aspirin, and hypothyroid medicine (a new development this time around, yay).  Hopefully all this monitoring and medicines (7 a day!) will help make this a successful pregnancy.  We are very positive about it but also realistic.  We realize with any pregnancy there is a chance that something can go wrong.  We are just focusing on loving this baby as much as possible while we have him or her.  I don’t think either of us will feel completely confident until we are holding our baby in our arms. 

I will say it has been nice to have the monthly ultrasounds though nerve racking.  It is too early to feel the baby move so it is reassuring each month to still see a heartbeat.  Having an ultrasound was how we found out with my first pregnancy that I was going to miscarry and with Emily how we found out that her heart had stopped beating.  Basically we have a love/hate relationship with ultrasounds.   

We should find out after Thanksgiving the sex of the baby.  We can’t wait!  If it is a girl the room is all set.  If it is a boy we have new curtains and bedding already picked out (I’m a planner).  We are soooo excited to welcome this little one come April!

Well that is all for now.  I will try to start updating on a weekly basis.  Have a wonderful week!

Love,

Megan

15 weeks!  Still pretty tiny but just starting to show :)

11 weeks

Just found out I'm pregnant! (well 48 hours beforehand)

Life Update

So it has been almost 9 weeks since I delivered Emily.  It seems like a lifetime ago that we were in the hospital. 

Phil and I have been doing well.  He stayed home from work the first week and I stayed home for two weeks.  I only worked part time for my first week back and then went back to my normal schedule for the most part after that. 

Thank you soooooooooo much for all the messages, cards, flowers, gifts, visits, care packages, emails, phone calls, etc.  We were seriously getting cards for a couple of weeks.  I’ve never gotten so many cards in my life.  All the love and support truly did give us strength.  Every message and card put a smile on my face and made that day just a little bit easier. 

We have been keeping busy by basically planning something for every weekend all summer long.  We are evening planning a 10 day trip to Italy in September!  We will be in Rome for 4 nights and Cinque Terre for 4 nights.  If you've never heard of Cinque Terre here is a link to a blog about it.  Also click here to see some amazing pictures of it.  Basically they are 5 small towns on the Mediterranean coast that are connected by train and hiking trails.  I'm so excited about this trip that I couldn't sleep last night.

Most people have been asking me about what the doctor said so here is what we know.  Emily died due to a blood clot in the placenta.  The autopsy showed that there was NOTHING wrong with her.  She was as we suspected, perfect.  We found out through my blood work that I have a double copy of a gene that may or may not make me more susceptible to blood clots while pregnant.  They aren’t sure if there is a correlation between this gene mutation and blood clotting.  The research is very contradictory.  We know that there is a chance with every pregnancy that this could happen again.  To help reduce this chance I am supposed to take a baby asprin every day once I find out I’m pregnant again.  I’m also supposed to increase my folic acid intake.  They will monitor me very closely throughout all subsequent pregnancies.  Lastly, they will induce me early (around 36 weeks) so the baby doesn’t have to be in there any longer then it has to.  Other than that we can’t do anything.    

What we need now are more prayers.  Prayers that we can get pregnant again, prayers that the pregnancy lasts, and prayers that we get to bring a happy healthy baby home.  We know that we will get pregnant again in God’s time.  Hopefully his timeline aligns with ours ;)  But seriously I am working really hard to have faith in his plan and know that I will get pregnant again when he thinks we are ready emotionally.

Thank you so much for all the prayers.  Hopefully I will be able to write again soon with happy news.

Love,

Megan

Ps.  For all you science nerds out there the gene mutation is called Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR).  I am homozygous (2 copies) for the C677T mutation.  Thank you to my two favorite science nerds Dr. Erika Bechtold and soon to be Dr. Terrell Brotherton and for using their science nerd powers to explain to me in Megan terms what exactly all the science mumbo jumbo means.  Man I wish I was a science nerd too.

Our One Day With Emily

If you would like to send meals please contact Julie Massie at 540-449-4104.  She is coordinating a schedule for us.  Our work friends at Bon Secours and the Children’s Museum have already brought us two weeks worth of food which was incredibly thoughtful and helpful.  We work with amazing people.

We would love to have visitors.  I would especially like having some visitors while I recover from labor before going back to work.  I’m taking off the next two weeks at least.  It depends how my body is recovering for how long I take.  You can reach us at our house number 804-360-3192 or my cell 703-851-5551. 

Our One Day With Emily

On Monday, April 11, 2011 God welcomed home our sweet baby girl Emily at 12:14am.  She was absolutely beautiful.  She was 2 pounds 11 ounces and 16 inches long.  She had Phil’s lips and a nose that was a combination of ours.  She had my long fingers and Phil’s wide feet and high arch.  She even had some very tiny curls of hair around her ears. 

We feel so blessed to have been able to hold her and kiss her and snuggle with her before having to say good-bye.  We have her hand prints and footprints and some beautiful photos of her.

Below is the story of her delivery and our day with her.  We are writing this to share with family and friends partially because we want everyone to know about our amazing daughter and partially as a form of therapy to help us grieve.  Please understand that it is LONG, very honest about our emotions, and includes a lot of details but those details are important to us.  If you are worried about reading about labor—I kinda gloss over that part on purpose though I have no problem sharing if you would like to hear about it. 

Here is her story:

Last Monday we had another doctor’s appointment and we got to see Emily on the ultrasound.  She was moving around, hiding her little face behind her arm, and to quote the doctor had “a beautiful heart.”  The doctor had said something similar the month before which always filled me with joy because that is what a baby needs in order to live, developed lungs, brain, and heart.  We could handle 9 fingers or funny ears as long as everything else was functioning (just so you know, she had all 10 fingers and 10 toes and cute ears).  She continued to move around like crazy all week, dancing on my bladder, poking me in the ribs, kicking my hip bone.  On Saturday I had a lazy day where I stayed in PJs most of the day and started working on a quilt that I decided I needed to make for her (sewing has become a recent hobby of mine).  I realized part way through the day that I couldn’t remember her moving much so I went to take a nap since she usually liked to move then.  I still didn’t feel her move really but I figured hey maybe she was just having a lazy day with me.  By early evening I still hadn’t really felt her move so I called the doctor and they told us to come into the Labor and Delivery wing of the ER to get checked out (normal procedure on a weekend). The problem was that we hadn’t been on our hospital tour yet!  That was supposed to be on Tuesday.  When we got to the hospital (around 7:20pm) a nurse looked for her heartbeat but couldn’t find it.  So another nurse came in to try.  Still no heartbeat.  So the doctor came in with the ultrasound machine.  No heartbeat.  How could this be?  We just saw her “beautiful heart” on Monday?  Phil and I sat there in shock hardly listening to the doctor as he told us there was no heartbeat which meant that she was stillborn.  Then we were told that I was going to get induced so I could deliver her.  I was pissed.  Phil was upset.  All I kept thinking was I have to go through labor and not bring a baby home??? Seriously I have to give birth to a baby I can’t keep??? You’ve got to be kidding me!  As weird as this may seem, that anger also gave me the strength I needed to understand and begin to come to peace.  I had to have the strength to get through this so I could hold her and kiss her, comfort and show her my love for her.  I had to get through this so I could begin to recover from labor.  I had to get through this so we could try again.  I had to get through this so we could have a baby to bring home. 

While we went through the process of checking in we started calling family and friends.  We really didn’t know what else to do.  I also had the doctor do another ultrasound to give us peace of mind.  I kept thinking that the doctor was going to say, “Surprise!  We just wanted to play a horrible trick on you!  Everything is okay.” 

They started inducing me around 9:00pm Saturday evening.  I was only 29 weeks so my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing, keeping baby in.  They had to trick my body into labor by inducing me. 

Labor is not fun.  It is especially not fun when you’ve only had one birthing class and are feeling unprepared.  Luckily we have some amazing friends who helped to coach me through it and give advice.  I kept myself distracted by having a “party” in the room.  We had the Masters on and friends and family sat with us, talked with us, laughed with us, and cried with us.  It was the distraction I needed to deal with labor.  I thought I would want relaxation music.  No thank you.  I wanted happiness and laughter and oh yeah the Masters ;)  It made me happy that Phil was able to distract himself by hanging out with friends and watching Sunday at the Masters because my labor lasted from 9pm Saturday night to 12:14am Monday morning and labor is pretty boring. 

I delivered Emily at 12:14am on Monday, April 11, 2011.  The whole labor I was looking forward to being able to see her and hold her and kiss her.  It gave me peace and strength to know that I would be able to at least do that at the end.  But then after I delivered her I became fearful. I was fearful of how I was going to react to my sweet baby girl when I saw her.  I didn’t know what to expect when I saw her because she was stillborn. Phil was amazing.  He told me how beautiful she was and that it was okay and hugged and kissed me.  It was amazing to be able to hold her.  All I had been dreaming about all pregnancy long was getting to hold my baby and now I was finally able to.  It was not how I had dreamed it but at least I had part of the dream. 

Then our family arrived back at the hospital.  We had just sent them home an hour before I delivered because they thought I wouldn’t deliver until morning.  Little did we know that the epidural I got at 11pm would help me relax so much that an hour later I would deliver her.  Our family was able to hold her and rock her and grieve for her loss.  It was all so special. 

I slept with her in my arms that night though I hardly even slept.  We knew that in a few short hours we would have to really say good-bye to her and there was no way I was going to waste most of that time on sleep instead of looking at her. Phil and I had a very quiet morning with her as our little family of three. We even baptized her together just the two of us.  It was perfect.

We were allowed to have Emily with us as long as we wanted.  The reality of the situation though was that there was only so long that we should.  God helped us gain the strength to say good-bye.  We said good-bye around 4:30 pm on April 11.  It was the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives.  How do you have this little baby that you can’t take home?  How do you watch your daughter walk away from you in the arms of a nurse and know that you will never see her again?  God gave us the strength to watch her go and the strength to walk out of the hospital afterward.

I had peace throughout the labor because I knew that at the end of it I would at least be able to see and hold my baby.  I also had peace knowing that she didn’t suffer.  One of my dear friends from college died last year after battling cancer for over two years.  I kept thinking about something her mom said at her funeral, “Liz is the lucky one.  She is with God and is no longer suffering.”  Thinking of her strength and her words gave me strength.  In a weird way Mrs. White’s faith and love for Liz gave me the faith that I needed to have peace.

God doesn’t give us struggles we can’t handle.  Last year I had a miscarriage and was very unhappy with my job which combined together made me severely depressed.  I was very mad at God at first for taking away my baby.  I didn’t understand why he would give me so much unhappiness at once.  Then I quit my job and started working at the Children’s Museum.  I was happy at work which made me a happy person again.  If I had had the baby that I miscarried I would not have been a fit mother because I was so depressed.  The thing is I haven’t been mad at God once since we found out Emily was going to be stillborn.  I seriously have been at peace the whole time.  I learned through my miscarriage to trust in God’s plan.  You may not like it or agree with it but he has a plan.  Having the miscarriage last year made it so I could have peace with losing Emily.  Clearly God has a plan. 

We found out after I delivered the placenta that there was a blood clot in the placenta which had caused the placenta to die and caused her to be stillborn. The doctors told us that it would have been quick and painless.  We will get answers as to why this would happen in the coming months.  All we know now is that there was nothing we did to cause it and nothing we could have done to stop it from happening.

We are at peace because we know that God took her so she wouldn’t have to suffer.  If she would have been full term with a placenta that was not healthy meant that she would have had major health issues.  If she would have been born early she would have had major health issues.  Instead in his love for her he took her home early.  He took her so she wouldn’t have to suffer.  She was beautiful and completely innocent.  She was our little Emily and we love her with all of our hearts.  

Thank you for all of the emails, phone calls, messages, flowers, food, and texts.  I haven’t had a chance to respond to everyone yet.  Please know that they are greatly appreciated and help to give us strength.

Thank you to our family for dropping everything and coming to support us and meet Emily.  It was important to us that her grandparents and aunts and uncles meet her and see how beautiful she was in person.  They drove/flew in from Harrisonburg, Norfolk, Northern Virginia, North Carolina, Syracuse, and Nashville.  They are amazing.

Thank you to the Massies, Browns, and Snapps for keeping us company at the hospital and helping to distract me throughout labor.  A special thank you to Maria Brown for doing just about anything and everything for us and being so incredibly supportive and thoughtful.  A special thank you to Julie Massie for being our friend, our advocate, our birthing coach, and our photographer.  Both of them made it so I was able to have the emotional strength I needed to deliver Emily by taking care of everything else.

Thank you to the nursing staff at St. Mary’s Hospital.  They were amazing.  A special thank you to Amy our nurse who was there for most of the labor and was the one who delivered Emily (it happened so quick the doctor didn’t have a chance to get there).  She answered all my questions, gave me tons of advice, and handled our daughter with tender loving hands.  Amy was amazing.  Thank you to our doctor, Dr. Tyson.  She was not able to be at the delivery but came in when she found out to see how we were doing.  She rearranged her schedule so that we could basically have unlimited time with her to ask questions.  She cried with us and gave us hope for the future.  She was fantastic.

Thank you to Philip Noakes for being an amazing husband and father.  Words can not express the love I have for him.  It is amazing how much closer we feel after having Emily. It is amazing how much closer we feel from grieving for Emily.  He is my everything and I don’t know what I would do without him.

If you actually read all this, thank you.  I love Emily and want so badly for everyone to know her story since they will never get to know her. This has been an amazing therapeutic release to write down her story so thank you for helping me to grieve. 

We are going to do a very private prayer service sometime this week. 

Once we get the photos of Emily back I will post a link to some.  I know that not everyone will feel comfortable seeing them and I understand that.  For the most part she looks like a tiny baby.  Her skin and lips are rather red and she is tiny because she never had the chance to get some meat on her bones.  To us, she is beautiful.

Thank you again for all the love and support. 

My Uncle Bill sent us the following quote which Phil and I feel perfectly describes Emily.  “An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth.  Then whispered as she closed the book ‘too beautiful for earth’.” 

We love you Emily.