Lady of Leisure

Today was my last day working at the Children's Museum of Richmond.  It was very bittersweet leaving but I am looking forward to staying home with Caroline.  I came to the museum feeling burnt out and discouraged by the public school system.  I leave the museum feeling inspired by all that teaching has to offer.  I like to say that I fell in love with teaching again.  I was able to work with my team to take the time to come up with quality lessons that taught the state standards but also expanded on them and brought them alive.  This was something that always frustrated me about the public school system.  There was never enough time be it in the day or in the pacing guide to do what I really wanted to do.  

I am going to greatly miss the museum staff but especially my education team coworkers.  They have been invaluable co-workers and friends.  When we lost Emily I never once felt like I had to rush back.  They shared the burden of being "down a man" like it was no big deal.  When I came back they helped me ease back into having to be around pregnant women and little babies (They are everywhere there!).  It was not easy to one day be excited to see newborn babies and their mommies exploring the museum imagining myself being one of them, to the next being jealous of those same mommies and babies and imagining what it would have been like with Emily.  

Since I became pregnant with Caroline they have been my daily support to all the ups and downs that this pregnancy has had.  They rejoiced with me after every positive doctors appointment and supported me as I have dealt with every curve ball.  If I was having a rough morning they would step in and help me out no questions asked.  I have always felt loved and supported by them.  They have helped give me the strength I have needed to keep going.  From simple words of encouragement, to quiet actions, to encouraging me in my faith, I feel incredibly blessed to have had them as a daily support system in my life.  Thank you ladies :)  

Many people have asked me when I plan to go back to work.  The answer is I don't know.  Right now I am being called to be a stay at home mom.  For how long, I don't know.  If I have learned anything this year it is to put faith in God's plan.  I try  to remind myself daily to put my life in his hands and to let him lead me.  This has not been easy for a planner like me.  All I know is God has a plan that is better then anything I can imagine, so I'm going to stick with that.  Part of me feels called to eventually be a preschool teacher, part of me feels called to get more involved in church Children's Ministry or preschool, yet another part of me feels called to somehow merge my pregnancy experiences with my career experiences.  I figure as Phil and I embark on this next chapter in our life together, God will help show me the path that I am meant for.  It takes a lot for a planner like me to just hand over the reigns but honestly it feels freeing and less stressful than trying to figure it out on my own.   

For the next six weeks or so I will be a "Lady of Leisure".  I will be trying to get some extra sleep (that is becoming more and more difficult at night,) to prepare the house for Caroline, to begin the emotional transition from working to staying at home, and to relax.  After all we've been through this past year the best thing I can do for Caroline is to be relaxed.  I also plan on finding all kinds of fun activities for Caroline and I to do around Richmond and at home.  I have dreams of eventually transforming our dining room into an awesome play room.  So watch out pinterest followers, I will be pinning away toddler activities :)  

Hello stay at home mommies, Megan is joining you :)

Love,

Megan

He has no idea how much his life is about to change in just a few short weeks.

Caroline and I got all dressed up for Valentine's Day.

I look like I stuck a basketball under my shirt.
(31 weeks 2 days)

Philip had these delivered to me at work!

My co-workers made me this adorable diaper cake.

29 weeks 1 day

29 weeks 1 day was the point in my pregnancy with Emily that we found out we had lost her.  It is a day that has haunted me for the past 10 months.  I quickly figured out with this pregnancy when I would be 29 weeks 1 day and it has sat in the back of my mind all pregnancy long.  Will we make it that far again? Will I lose another child at that point? Even the days and events leading up to the day that we lost Emily have haunted me.  I was nervous the day that I started making Baby "C"'s blanket because when I did that for Emily, I lost her.  I was relieved that bunco fell on a different weekend because I had been out with my lovely neighbors playing bunco and feeling Emily kick me the night before we lost her.  I didn't wear a dress I had worn the week before we lost Emily.  Yes it may be superstitious but I don't care.  You associate weird things to emotional and traumatic events.  Well I am happy to say that I have completed Baby "C''s blanket, I have played bunco, I plan on wearing that dress this week, and Baby "C" is kicking up a storm thank you very much :)  Oh and by the way, I am now 30 weeks 2 days!!!!!!!!

While those and many other things make me think of Emily I refuse to let them hold me back.  In fact I'm doing quite the opposite.  I decided within days of delivering Emily that I still wanted to make her blanket.  All I had been able to do was cut all the fabric the morning we lost her.  I wasn't going to let it just sit there.  I wanted to still make it for her, for me, for Phil.  It is beautiful and something Phil and I treasure.  While making her blanket I decided that this was something that was incredibly therapeutic for me and something that I wanted to share with other mothers of stillborn babies.  So I have been busy making receiving blankets to donate to St. Mary's hospital.  Phil and I delivered my first 4 the week before we went to Italy.  The evening of 29 weeks 1 day for Baby "C" Phil and I went to back to the hospital but for a happy reason.  We delivered 4 more blankets.  It felt so good to be able to walk around the labor and delivery ward and not be a patient.  One of the nurses even gave us a private tour of the Mother/Infant wing because we hadn't gotten that far in our birthing classes with Emily.  St. Mary's is so amazing.  It was great to be able to ask questions specific to Baby "C" and her health concerns and to be open about our emotions regarding our memories there of Emily.  For example, we didn't have to go anywhere near the room I delivered her in.  I don't know if I will ever be able to go back to that room.  In fact if that is the only room available when I am in labor this time then I'm going to refuse to go in there.  I will sit in the hall and labor out there if I have to.  Hmm maybe I can kick another pregnant lady out of her room.  I'm kidding, kinda.

My doctor has been amazing through all of this.  We spend most of my appointment time discussing my emotional state.  It means so much to me that she is understanding of my emotions.  She constantly reassures me that I can come in whenever I want to get checked on.  She especially emphasized this when she knew 29 weeks 1 day was coming up.  I felt at ease knowing that I could just show up, hear her heartbeat really quick, and then be on my merry way.  Luckily I didn't feel the need to do that :)  I heart Dr. Tyson :)

Speaking of doctors I had another appointment last week.  Everything is looking great!  The main yucky thing about last week was that my glucose test came back elevated so I had to go back for a second test, a 3 hour long test.  UGH!  Luckily those test results came back NEGATIVE!  Thank goodness because I didn't want to add gestational diabetes to my list of pregnancy "fun".

The last thing I wanted to share is a little news we have..... Baby "C"'s name!  The top guesses have been Catherine, Caroline, Charlotte, and Claire.  Well drum roll please.........Baby "C''s name is...........

wait for it

wait for it

wait for it

wait for it

Caroline Marie Noakes!!!!!

We love the name because it is soft, feminine, and traditional.  Since this post is already kinda long I will share how we decided on her name and the fun ways we told our families at Christmas in a later post :)

Phil and I can't wait to hold our sweet Caroline in 8 weeks!

Love,
Megan

I made this to hang on Caroline's wall.
Painted wooden letters glued onto framed fabric. 

29 weeks 6 days

29 weeks 6 days

Some of the blankets I made.  The front is patchwork and the back is fuzzy.

Another blanket.  I forgot to take a picture of the fourth one.
I roll up each blanket and tie it with a ribbon.
Then I tuck in a hand written note to the mother.  

Doctor Doctor Doctor Doctor

As  I posted earlier this week I've been working very hard to distract myself.  I've kinda been in lala land since right before Christmas.  I've been walking around the house worrying about paint colors and finding more and more things for Philip to do.  Baby C (Did you see that name hint in my last post???) and I have been hanging out and crafting away not worrying about a thing.  Well we had a reality check this week.

On Monday we met with the pediatric cardiologist for the second time.  While there were not big changes it brought back into focus the future....my child will be here soon.....my child has a hole in her heart...my child will need open heart surgery...oh yeah forgot about that.  When we met with the cardiologist in Dec. he said we would only have to come back one more time, around 28 weeks.  Well today he said he would like us to come back at 34 weeks too.  It made both of  us slightly uneasy that he wants to see us again.  He said that everything looked good but he wanted to check her ventricle growth again.  The main change was that she has more regurgitation in her heart.  Yes regurgitation is the medical term he used which I find kinda amusing.  My word is squirt back.  Whichever word you use, what he was talking about was the blood flow in the heart. Like I explained before the blood flow in the heart is from the top to the bottom (atrium to ventricles)  The blood is not supposed to come back up into the atrium.  When it does go back it is because the valve isn't working correctly.  This is what they mean by regurgitation--the blood is regurgitating back into the atrium.  Or in my words, the blood is squirting back up.  This is common with her type of heart defect.  What the cardiologist noticed was that there was a small increase in the amount of blood squirting back up.  Yay.   

On Tuesday we met with the surgeon.  Overall we liked him.  He obviously loves his job and is confident.  He was also very personable and did a very good job explaining the heart and the surgery.  I really liked how much emphasis he put on the team.  He really focused on how important it is to have a good team working together.  He is obviously very proud of his team and thinks that every single one of them is essential to the success of each surgery.  He praised all the other doctors and nurses who will be taking care of Baby C. Here are some of the questions we had and his answers:

UVA is a teaching hospital, who will actually be performing the surgery?

• The surgeon will be the only one.  He may have a fellow watching him or holding something because he needs help but the he will make every cut and stitch.  

When do you think she will need the surgery?

• It depends on how she is thriving after birth.  Based on the echo cardiograms they have done so far they think somewhere between 3 and 6 months.  

How long will the surgery take?

• The surgery will take 4-6 hours

How long will she be at the hospital?

• A week to a week and a half.

What will he mend the heart with?

• He will use gortex to mend the ventricular septum (this is the lower part of the wall that divides the heart in half).  He will use bovine something or rather to mend the atrial septal (the top part of the wall that divides the heart in half).

What will the surgery and recovery process be like for Baby C?

• She will be put under before they start any IVs or other medications.  After the surgery they will continue to sedate her and have her on a breathing tube.  During the first 24 hours or so after the surgery they will slowly take her off the medicines and breathing tube.  They want to gradually have her heart and lungs have to take over the work.  After the surgery she will most likely be puffy looking, pale, and a bit rough.  

Today we went to see my maternal fetal specialist and my OB/GYN.  Everything looked stable which is fabulous :)  We found out that she weighs about 3 pounds and is in the 60th percentile on weight.  We got to see her practicing breathing which helps her lungs develop.  We could also see her hair!  She was laying on her tummy with her legs crossed and tucked and her arms hiding her face once again.  But because we could see the back of her head we saw hair there!!! It was very cool.  We got results back from a blood test I did earlier this week, a fasting homocysteine test.  According to most of the MTHFR (my blood clotting thing that may or may not be associated with why we lost Emily) research an abnormal fasting homosysteine level means you are at higher risk for blood clots.  My fasting homocysteine is NORMAL :)   This is very exciting because we are only a few days away in this pregnancy from 29 weeks 1 day, the day we lost Emily.   They have no idea if it actually means anything but I still take it as positive sign.  We are approaching 29 weeks 1 day with a lot of anticipation and faith.  We are looking forward to moving past it and getting Baby Noakes here.  

I will post again soon.

Love, 

Megan   

Distractions

Well we have entered the third trimester and Baby Noakes is doing great!  She is quite a mover!  At a work meeting last Monday we all stopped and watched my stomach for a minute because it looked like waves moving across my stomach.  It was crazy!  Starting this week I will see my doctor on a weekly basis.  We have also seen the pediatric cardiologist and the pediatric cardiologist surgeon.  After I've gone to all my appointments this week I will post a medical update.  Right now all I know is that as long as everything stays stable I should be delivering the first week of April.  So that means we are only ten weeks away from baby!

When I realized earlier this week that we are only 10 short weeks till baby I was a little shocked and had the epiphany that I haven’t done very much to actually get ready for her!  Instead I’ve been focusing on house projects.  I think I’ve been doing this in order to distract myself from the fact that I’m pregnant and all the fears that are stewing right below the service.  Thus Philip and I have been super busy!  

Here are the projects we have worked on the past two months:

• Master Bathroom
• Paint
• New floor
• 2 new faucets
• New toilet seat
• New décor including a valance, bath rug, and basket
• Guest Bathroom/Kid Bathroom
• Paint
• New faucet
• New toilet seat
• New décor including valance (that I made!), bath rug, shower organizer and art
• Custom shelves in kitchen (That we made!)
• Created a craft space

Philip has had to do a lot of this because it involves painting or some installations that I can’t do because my tummy gets in the way ;)  He has been so supportive and patient with me.

I’ve also been doing a bunch of crafts getting ready for the baby.  I've made Baby Noakes a blanket, an elephant stuffed animal, and some artwork for her room. Through all these house and baby projects I’ve become ridiculously excited for baby Noakes to get here.J 

Most of my inspiration for all the baby and house projects has come from pinterest.  In honor of my love for pinterest the rest of the blog is all about the DIY projects we’ve been doing around the house.  I've loved getting our nest ready for Baby Noakes and I can’t wait to bring baby Noakes home in 10 weeks!

Master Bathroom--new paint, floor, toilet seat,
faucets, valance, and bath mat.

Sad, empty space in Kitchen BEFORE.

AFTER! Awesome Craigslist furniture find, new baskets and
knobs, and custom made shelves.

Guest Bathroom/Kid Bathroom:  New Paint, faucet, toilet seat,
bath mat, and valance (that I made!)  I also have some artwork in progress.

I'm super proud of my valance :)
I made this out of a full length curtain.

Zach all snuggled up with the elephant and blanket I made.

Baby Noakes room :)

I cut animals out of scrapbook paper to make my dollar store
bins cuter.  I'm going to laminate the animals and Velcro
them on the bins so Baby Noakes can pull them off and move them around if she wants.

Close up of two of the animals.  I also made an elephant, turtle,
monkey, bird, butterfly, crab, and giraffe.

We put a vinyl alphabet up around part of her room.

We haven't found a mirror yet to put over the changing
table/dresser.

 

27 weeks!

27 weeks...notice anything special in the background??? I made that too :)

Today, 28 weeks 2 days. 

Sorry the photos kinda stink....they are almost all from my cell phone.


Remember, be on the lookout for a medical update later this week.

Love, 

Megan

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

24 weeks 1 day...growing belly :)

I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas!  Philip and I spent Christmas down in North Carolina with his family.  We went shopping, played games, sang carols, chatted, and ate waaaaayyyy too much food.  The day after we returned, my family came to Richmond to celebrate Christmas.  We took them on part of the Tacky Light Tour here in Richmond (google it if you have no idea what I’m talking about), went shopping, hung out, and continued eating tons of food.  My newest craving is super healthy…chili cheese hot dogs Yuuuuummm.  All in all we had an amazing time with family.  

Christmas morning.  

Richmond Tacky Light Tour

We also celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary on December 29th!  

Baby girl has been VERY active as we enter week 25 today!  She let all her aunts and uncles feel her kick.  It means so much to us how excited our siblings are to meet their niece.  

One special thing we were able to do was invite my parents to my 24 week doctor’s appointment.  Their visit coincided with my appointment so it only seemed right to invite them along.  This was one of our best appointments, nothing new to report!  No news is good news right now.  My parents were amazed to be able to see her moving and see her spine, ribs, feet, etc.  They were also able to see what I’ve been trying to explain about the hole in baby Noakes heart.  It is always so amazing to me that we can literally see the valves in her heart opening and closing.  We were even able to see her move her tongue as she swallowed and breathed out the amniotic fluid.  As long as there are no more new developments my specialist thinks that I will be induced the first week of April (38 weeks) unless baby Noakes decides to come earlier.  We are hoping she doesn’t do that though because earlier could mean not fully developed lungs and that in conjunction with her heart issues would not be good.  So come on April!

I think that our ultrasound Thursday was number 9 and we still didn’t have a good profile/face shot of baby Noakes.  Every time we have gone in she has hidden her face or was facing away.  Well baby Noakes FINALLY cooperated and let us see her face!  Our specialist then used a new feature to their ultrasound machines, 4D ultrasounds!  Normally they don’t do them because they consider them "entertainment ultrasounds" but we were lucky enough to get a few pictures of her face!!!  If it is possible, being able to see our daughter's face made us even more excited for her to get here!

24 weeks 4 days :)

She is snuggled up against my uterus on the left and her hand is up on the right.

We celebrated New Year's in Richmond with a Mad Men themed party hosted by our friends Leigh and Matt.  We had a great time with friends and smoking candy cigarettes.

New Year's Eve 2011

We are so excited for the amazing blessings that 2012 will bring.  We wish you all a very blessed and Happy New Year!!!

Love,

Megan

PS Here are a few shots of our house all decked out for Christmas.  

Dining Room

Thank you pinterest for this fabulous idea!
Ribbon  on pantry doorand Christmas cards taped on.

O Christmas tree O Christmas tree

Nativity tree. 

Kitchen centerpiece I whipped up one evening.

Zach's girlfriend.

Lessons of the Heart

Zach already loves baby girl!

I highly recommend that if you do not know the basic anatomy of the heart that you read the information I provide towards the bottom of this post.  It will help you better understand what you are about to read.

  

Two weeks ago at our 20 week ultrasound Phil and I found out from our Maternal Fetal Specialist (MFS) that she thought baby Noakes might have a small hole in her heart.  She had us wait two weeks to see how the heart developed and then she did another ultrasound at 22 weeks (this past Monday) and confirmed that she still saw a small hole.  On Tuesday we saw a Pediatric Cardiologist.  He also confirmed the hole in the heart and diagnosed it as an endocardial cushion defect.  It is an overarching term with a bunch of different subcategories under it.  He didn’t want to place her into one category because he said that he doesn’t want us to focus on the diagnosis.  He said that just because something is diagnosed as something doesn’t mean that is the prognosis.  What baby girl does have is a small hole in her septum.  It starts in the bottom part of the atriums and extends a tiny bit into the top part of the ventricles.  Because at this stage in development her heart is only about the size of a thumbnail the cardiologist couldn’t tell us what type of defects there are with the valves.  What he could tell us was that he is seeing a tiny bit of leakage back into the atrium.  

What does this mean? 

• It means our daughter has a congenital heart defect. 

Will surgery be necessary to repair the defect?

• Yes surgery is necessary.  Sometime in the first year she will have to have open heart surgery to repair her heart.

Thank you Terrell for this outfit!
It made me laugh outloud.
You know me so well :)

When will her surgery be?

• She will determine when her surgery will be.  While all babies are in utero the mother does most of the work for their heart.  After they are born their body takes over the workload.  If she has trouble breathing, sustaining weight gain, or has abnormal pressures in her heart then those are signs that it is time for the surgery.  

Why doesn’t she have surgery right away?

• While they can do surgery right away they prefer not to because they would like the heart to develop more.  They have found that they usually have better long term prognosis if they wait.

What is the prognosis?

• The cardiologist said that prognosis will be determined by the success of the surgery.  So basically we won’t know the long term effects until after the surgery.  After the surgery he will be able to give us a better idea of whether she will have to have more surgeries in the future and if there are any other long term after effects.

What is the survival rate for the surgery?

• He said that there is about the same mortality rate for this surgery as there is for an appendectomy.  However, if there are any complications or infections (like with any surgery) then there can be an increased chance of side effects.  

Where will the surgery take place?

• She will have surgery at UVA

Will I be able to deliver her normally?

• Yes. 

Does this mean she has some other type of disability?

• No.  However if you know much about disabilities you may know that this type of heart defect is often associated with Down syndrome.  This does NOT mean that she has Down syndrome.  We actually did a bunch of screenings earlier in the pregnancy and they all came back with very low probability.  There still is a very small chance the she could have down syndrome (1 in 2 thousand some chance) that could be confirmed with an amniocentesis. We do not want an amniocentesis.  We are fine knowing that there is a very small chance and finding out for sure at birth.  

This is what we know right now.  Every day we are coming up with more questions.  We will know more after we meet with the surgeon, after baby Noakes is born, and after she has surgery. 

How are we doing?

It has been a tough week.  It has been a lot to process.  We are still processing.  We are starting to get used to this whole idea of having faith in God in the face of all our challenges.

The main things I think about are moments.  The moment I get to hold my daughter is my number one moment.  Actually my first question for my doctor was will I be able to hold my daughter after I deliver her?  She said yes.  I wasn’t sure what she would say because I didn’t know whether she would have to be whisked away to surgery or NICU right after I delivered her.  That should not be the case.  Holding my living, breathing daughter for the first time is something I can’t wait for.  I ache for it. 

It is amazing how so many of the fears that I had projected onto this pregnancy, because of our experience with Emily, have dissipated. All pregnancy long I have been very focused on getting past 29 weeks (when we lost Emily).  Now I KNOW that we will.  I KNOW that I will deliver this baby.  I KNOW that I will hold my living child in my arms.  

The moments that I try not to think about are things like possibly having to explain to her that she has a boo boo on her heart that needs to be fixed or later on that she had a boo boo on her heart that was fixed and that is why she has a mark on her chest. I dread the moment I have to walk away from her or see her taken away from me to go into surgery.  That is all too close to our final moment with Emily.  I fear the moment the doctor comes out of surgery to tell us what happened.  Will I have to hear that I’ve lost another child?  I just don’t know if I can handle that.  Tears will be streaming either way. 

I fear missing a sign that something is wrong either before or after the surgery and not getting her to the doctor in time.  I am worried about long term neurological effects of the surgery if something goes wrong.  I have a lot of fears. 

When we first found out a few weeks ago I was angry.  I felt like we deserved to have an easy pregnancy.  After all we’ve already been through now we have this that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives?! That she will have to deal with her whole life!  It didn’t seem fair.  Now somehow I have peace with it.  Don’t get me wrong, it stinks.  It stinks really bad.  But I have peace.  Anger will get me nowhere.  Anger won’t make her heart better.  Anger won’t make this easier.  So instead I choose to inform myself with what we will be facing and to be positive about the future.  Most of all I choose to have faith in the future and in God’s plan.  

I want to celebrate this baby.  Yes she may have a heart defect.  That doesn’t make her any less in my eyes.  She is our child.  She is wonderful.  She is perfect.

Please join Phil and me in being positive and excited about our child.  The last thing we need is pity for everything we have gone through and will go through.  We would prefer to surround ourselves with love, faith, hope, and strength.  

We are excited about our daughter and can’t wait to meet her in a few short months!

BASIC ANATOMY OF THE HEART

How the Heart Works

Do you know basic heart anatomy?  Well neither did we until this past week.  Here is a very basic explanation in my words of how the heart works. I think I got everything right but there is a good chance I didn't explain something correctly.  

The heart is divided into 4 chambers.  The chambers are divided vertically by a muscular wall called the septum.  It is divided horizontally by valves. 

Here is how blood flows through the heart:

Unoxygenated blood flows from the BodyàRight AtriumàRight VentricleàPulmonary ArteryàLungs which makes the blood oxygenatedàLeft AtriumàLeft VentricleàAortaàoxygenated blood flows into the body

There are various valves within the heart the only ones you need to know about are the tricuspid valve and the mitral valve.  The tricuspid valve is between the right atrium and right ventricle.  The mitral valve is between the left atrium and the left ventricle.  

To learn more about the heart try reading these websites:

Cincinnati Children's Hospital

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

Web Book about the heart and defects

Endocardial Cushion Defect

 An endocardial cushion defect is a congenital heart defect. It is sometimes called an Atrioventricular canal defect or an AV canal defect.  When a heart has an endocardial cushion defect it means that some portion of the septum is missing.  That means that part of the wall that divides the left and right side of the heart is missing.  With this type of defect there is also some affect on the tricuspid valve and the mitral valve.  Sometimes there is a small notch or bend in the valve that makes it so some of the blood that is supposed to flow from the atrium into the ventricle squirts back into the atrium instead of staying in the ventricle.  This is because the valve can’t completely close because of the bend.  The extent of how much of the septum is missing and the affect on the valves differs case by case.  

To learn more about endocardial cushion defects try reading these websites:

Children's Hospital of Philadelphia 

Cincinnati Children's Hospital --- great flash explanation

University of Maryland Medical Center

Video explanation of endocardial heart defect

Children's Hospital of Boston

Love,

Megan

Christmas Faith

So today when I was driving home from work one of my all time favorite Christmas songs/hymns was playing, O Holy Night.  The main reason I love this song is because of how it was used in the Christmas Eve mass at the church I went to in high school.  The whole Christmas Eve mass was done in lower lighting with lots of candles.  Then, after Communion, one of the lead soloists would walk down the center aisle dressed as Mary, holding a baby, and singing O Holy Night.  When she got to “fall on your knees” she would turn around and they would put a light on her and she would sing the rest of the song at the front of the church and the choir would chime in during the second verse.  It was always moving and beautiful.  It really made you remember what Christmas is all about. 

Well as I sat there driving home hearing this song I started thinking about hearing that song at church and imagining myself walking in her shoes and the faith that Mary must have had and my own faith.  Luckily I had just pulled into the Kroger parking lot so I was able to safely sit in my car crying for a few minutes. 

I struggle daily to have faith in God’s plan.  It has not been easy grieving for the loss of one child while celebrating another one on the way...especially during the Christmas season.  The day after we found out that we are having another girl I sat in the baby’s room holding a picture of Emily, holding her stuffed lamb and crying and rocking in the rocking chair.  I cried because I missed Emily and ache to hold her in my arms.  I cried because I was excited about our next child.  I cried because I felt guilty for crying.  I cried until I fell asleep.  Then I was okay. 

The night before our 20 week appointment I broke down sobbing uncontrollably.  I had started reliving what happened with Emily and became fearful of that happening with this baby.  I was worried I would have to have two urns, I was worried I was never going to have a daughter, I was worried that once again all my friends that are pregnant were going to have their children and we would still be left without any children.  Like I said, I struggle daily to have faith in God’s plan. 

Today as I sat in my car crying (man I sound like I cry a lot!  I really don’t...I’m actually quite excited and happy most of the time but anyway) I started thinking about the faith that Mary must have had and my own faith.  She was told by an angel that she was pregnant with the son of God.  That’s a lot of pressure.  I mean can you imagine the guilt she must have felt when she gave into pregnancy cravings?  Mary had to have faith that God would take care of her and her baby and that the world would believe her and not think that she was cheating on Joseph.  For my own faith I have to believe that God took Emily home for a good reason and that I may never know what that reason is.  I also have to have faith that this child will be okay.  She will be a strong, healthy, happy child.

I’m going to try to remember this Christmas season that I am not the first pregnant woman who has had to put her faith in God.  I and all pregnant women have had to waddle in faith with God.  We all have had our fears of pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. 

As I type this baby girl is moving around fluttering in my tummy J  Every time I feel her move it reminds me of how amazing God’s gifts are.  It reminds me to have faith in him. 

Love,

Megan